Okay, I'm the first to admit this blog has been neglected since I was laid off. Not that I haven't had a million and one things to say, but because I've been going through a process and what seems profound one minute is overshadowed by the next great realization. Doh! This was more than losing a job, it's the end of a cycle of my life. So, it's the end of a career, the end of certain relationships, the end of certain patterns of behaviour. It's a loss on many levels that I needed to have in order to make room for what comes next. It's been interesting. I've definitely gone through the five stages of grief and loss, not in any particular order, and sometimes all at once.
One thing I have realized is how neglected my whole life was. I made excuses for staying somewhere that didn't serve me. Sure, in these time, any income, especially a fairly substantial one, it worth putting up with a lot. But at what cost? The job was so oppressive and stressful, I shut down and went into duck-and-cover survival mode and everything was effected. While I'll never be on an episode of "Hoarders" I have receipts and paper work dating back from 2007. Do I really need health care policy information for a job I started four years ago (and not even the one I just got laid off from)? I had a pile of sweaters in my bedroom from last spring that I never put away. Shelves that needed to be hung for over a year. There was even dust on the toilet paper holder. I had shopping bags with purchases sitting in the hall for weeks and months. This includes magickal supplies for rituals and spells I never performed. I have gained and lost the same twenty or thirty pounds several times. We aren't even going to mention I hadn't seen some of my siblings or my college roommates in almost two years and we certainly won't touch my other relationships.
You get the picture. I let a lot of things slide for the sake of a paycheck.
In the last five weeks, I haven't made a whole lot of progress, but I have completed some projects and I feel better. I'm changing some habits. I'm balancing my checkbook and paying attention to where and when I spend my money. I'm spending more time outside more, exercising, and eating better. I hung those shelves and even repainted the pantry. I've thrown out, recycled, and donated boxes and bags of things I don't need. I've taken numerous road trips to visit friends and family along the East Coast. And, most importantly, I'm reestablishing a regular spiritual practice and living up to the commitments I already made to the universe.
I'm actually pretty convinced that those spiritual commitments had something to do with these changing events, and I so am grateful. For the first time in a long time, I am hopeful. I didn't realize I had given up hope until she came back to me. Though it may seem like the universe took the rug out from under me, the universe has also given me all I need to weather this storm while I tend to the things that need my attention and to start co-creating the next chapter in my life. A chapter that is more in balance with what I need and what I can give.
So Mote it Be!