Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Running on Empty, Existing on Fumes.
I know you all are SHOCKED. I'm sure no one saw this coming at all (please note the super-size portion of sarcasm!).
The thing is, I was burnt out before I began. Most of the community didn't meet me until 2009... When I finally finished graduate school and had extra time on my hands. When I decided to get involved in more personal pursuits and stop working 12-16 hour days. When I decided that being a Pagan was important to me and I wanted know more people like me. When I found organizations and people who needed what I had to offer and allowed me to do work that I enjoyed.
The problem was that I was already burnt out on my career. I was crispy before I even jumped into this community and got swept away. And I just didn't jump into this community, I picked up other volunteer work that I had done years earlier. I mistakenly thought that doing volunteer work that I enjoyed would feed me in different ways and would make everything okay. I tried to refocus my career, but the economy had tanked and I had a talent that many companies still wanted, one for which many companies were still willing to pay a good salary. Despite being laid off twice since 2007, I still managed to do quite well. I felt blessed and grateful, so I gave even more, because I was so fortunate. So I pushed on in a career that had drained me and expended a lot of resources, and gave even more of myself to those in need. I managed to position my job so that I minimized the stress and was able to exist. I've worked really hard over the last year to reduce my commitments to something more manageable. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was healing. But then, this last month I was pulled back into a work project with the intensity I had avoided for the last few years. It really made me realize just how deep my empty well was. I had to give my all to get through this project and really didn't have it.
When you are running on empty taking a pit stop every couple of miles and not filling up all the way wastes a lot of time and only gets you so far. So, I'm getting off the Indy 500 of my life and its pit stops between speeding around and around in circles. I'm pulling into the rest stop, I'm filling up the tank, I'm getting a snack and sitting down to enjoy it. I'm going to browse in the gift shop, flip through trashy magazines in the newsstand, and walk around outside and stretch my legs a bit.
First, I'm fixing my career and paying attention to all the things I put off while I was flitting about more concerned with other people's existence than my own. Then, I will work toward building a sustainable existence...financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I still have some obligations that I will fulfill (silly mortgage payments). The community and group work I do is my path in this lifetime. It does feed me, and I know I've found the right community to nurture and be nurtured by and I will continue my efforts there. I will continue doing my outreach magic for causes I care about. I'm still going to spread the word of the amazing happenings of this community. This time, it will be in a way that is sustainable for me, and hopefully in a way that is more readily accessible for everyone else.
Don't think this means you won't see me. In fact, I plan to be out and about quite a bit in the next few months, not because I feel have to, but because I want to and I can. And, if I don't want to, I don't have to do anything.
It also seems, the less my mind and my heart are cluttered with outside thoughts and feelings, the more of my own are rising to the surface. More posts will be coming. (I'm psychic, I know these things!).
Though I am weary, I am still extremely blessed and fortunate and grateful, and soon, I may actually start to be excited too!
Posted by Maria Aquila at 1:32 PM